Top 5 Ways to Have Fun During a Zombie Apocalypse

Survivalism is a popular topic these days. Think about it – every day, really. There are countless books, magazines, manuals, movies, and reality TV shows that offer potential survivors valuable knowledge should they find themselves in any type of emergency or disaster.

Perhaps the most popular subset of survivalism is zombie survival. movies like dawn of the dead and popular shows like The Walking Dead captured the minds and imaginations of the public for years while spurring a myriad of written works on how to survive if the dead rose from the grave and started chewing our asses off.

The literature on zombie survival is surprisingly extensive. It covers everything from finding resources and medicine to restoring society, but one vital pastime is often overlooked: having fun.

Yeah, sure, you have to kill the zombies and turn the lights back on, but it’s gonna take some time. Without an Xbox, PlayStation, or the ability to mindlessly scroll on your phone until you become numb from the agony of existence, you’re going to have to find creative ways to avoid losing your marbles…or having them. to eat. You are going to need to laugh and have fun, even in the zombie apocalypse. So we thought of five stellar ways to kill time when the undead rise up and start eating our faces.

Play the kiss of death

Do you remember Gay Chicken? If you ever attended a frat night in the early to mid-2000s, you know exactly what we’re talking about. For readers who weren’t douchebags, Gay Chicken involves two members of the same sex (who certainly have no suppressed feelings for each other) competing to get as close as possible to kissing the another person without actually doing it… or falling in love.

It happens.

The version of the zombie apocalypse, which we’ve affectionately dubbed “The Kiss of Death,” is a post-apocalyptic gay chicken for the discerning surviving sibling. The goal of Kiss of Death is to see how close you can get to the lips of an undead member without actually doing so. Where having his face horribly ripped off. The surviving brother who comes closest, or who is the last brother standing, wins. Bonus points if you crush a Jäger bomb before doing so. Extra bonus points if you shout a tongue-in-cheek “No homo” while being eaten alive.

Make a to-do list

Who doesn’t have a list of places they want to shit? We sure as hell do. Ever wanted to take a shit next to the Empire State Building? How about dropping a hand truck right in the middle of the president’s office? Have you ever heard the phrase “Who shits in your cereal?” You did it! You can shit in any cereal you want now. Hell, you can shit in every box in the cereal aisle if you have the time and the commitment.

Thanks to the zombie apocalypse and the complete collapse of modern society, no one can stop you from finally running your Bucket Shit List. When the end of days finally arrives, grab a notepad and pen and head to your local department store to squat on the display model toilet and think of other creative places to dump and make the best of a shitty situation.

kill with creativity

Remember that scene from Rambo where he savagely rips out a villain’s throat? It looked like bullshit at first glance, but then you started wondering: If I went to the gym enough, could I actually do it? How about in Kill Bill when Uma Thurman rips out the eyeball of this assassin? It’s possible, right? Unfortunately, there’s no way to test these morbid curiosities without getting arrested – until the zombie apocalypse.

In a world full of the undead, there are plenty of willing and deserving candidates to test all your morbid curiosities on. Have you ever wondered if you could kill someone with a boomerang? Maybe rip their heads off if you twist it just right? How about kicking someone through a window? Zombies are a game. At the end of days, you’re free to test all the Mortal Kombat fatalities you want without consequence…unless they don’t work, in which case the zombie will rip your heart out like Kano and eat it. FATALITY.

Write a book

Did this discourage you? Listen to us. Writing a book at this point could be one of the most fun and entertaining things you can do in a zombie apocalypse. With humanity’s vast digital stores of knowledge lost to the ether, books would become a primary source for disseminating information and education. With most laws, editors and publishers wiped out, you can now write and print whatever you want and pass it off as fact.

Want to rewrite history? Do it. The story only started in 1776, America is the only country on Earth, and it turns out that you are of the direct line of the King of America, which means you are actually the master of the world. Congratulations, your highness! Write laws, create your own dictionary, maybe bastardize famous works and claim them. Basically, harness the modern trend of posting bullshit as fact to gain power. Oh, and maybe also write a post-apocalyptic cookbook – something like Have friends over for dinner Where Mutated snack foods would be catchy.

Create a cinematic masterpiece

This one is a bit more theatrical but will surely be the most fun of all the picks on the list. Choose five epic movie scenes from history and play them out in real life with your fellow survivors and zombies as villains. Think about the potential. You now have unlimited access to literally anything and everything in the world. You can do it. Our choices?

  1. Legendary street shooting Heat. Sure.
  2. Final scene of scarface — mountain of cocaine, M203, said ’nuff.
  3. Breaking point. The whole movie though. You will have to teach a zombie to surf and skydive. You have time.
  4. “Aren’t you amused?” scene of Gladiator. You need to go to the Colosseum to do this, otherwise it doesn’t count.
  5. Forrest Gump. Again, the whole movie. We chose this simply because we would miss being able to watch it. Who doesn’t love Forrest Gump?

This article first appeared in the Spring 2022 edition of Coffee or die’s printed magazine.

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