13 essential pieces of equipment for the Christmas war
Ah, the war on Christmas, an American tradition like the beloved and centuries-old baseball, apple pie, and arguing over whether Die hard is actually a holiday movie.
While the original campaign to ban Christmas has its roots in mid-17th-century Massachusetts Puritan assholes, the modern panic over the alleged campaign against Christmas cheer has little to do with the content of the Bible and more with whether we are forced to greet each other with “happy holidays” or not. Indeed, the Christmas war is not really a war, but a border skirmish in our larger cultural conflict over whether America is a righteous Christian nation or not, with an insurgency waged on Fox News and his fellows to reinstate Santa Claus at the center of all American holiday traditions. It’s, like lukewarm eggnog and itchy sweaters, the most tired, overused, and exhausting annual feud wedged between Thanksgiving dinner table politics and excessive New Years anticipation. Even Pope Francis thinks the war on Christmas is bullshit.
For my part, I’m asking for some sort of ceasefire, at least for a fictional football game in abandoned suburban No-Man’s Land, but in the meantime Santa Claus had better stay attached. Here is the task and objective guide to stay equipped during the holiday season and defend yourself against hordes of abandoned Pagans on a mad quest to suck all the holiday cheer from the world. Go ahead and stay alert: who knows what’s behind each snowy sticker this holiday season.
Do you have the army? Do you have the army? Have you thought about the military? Finally, there is an item of clothing (on the outside of a gray T-shirt) with your name on it. This remarkably warm and hilarious holiday sweatshirt is also a thoughtful gift for the soldier in your life who doesn’t already have a bad haircut and ASVAB waiver to show as proof of service in the U.S. Army. Hooh!
Eighty turns. Fifteen meters of range. Two shooting modes. A hybrid litter. Glue these things together and you absolutely have a Nerf-style version of the legendary .50 caliber machine gun Ma Deuce, ready and willing to deliver suppressing fire on your next engagement with the Pagans next door. Remember to make your best impression of Audie Murphy the next time you find yourself surrounded.
To have fun! And bullying!
Confronting Atheists and Antifa is thirsty work, so why not lug around a ton of beer in your own personal GrowlerWerks 64oz keg? Nothing says “I love Jesus Christ” like blowing a .389 while yelling neighborhood kids to get out of your lawn.
Just in case you’re not a beer lover, this American Flag themed water bottle from Home Aggressive provides an extra level of protection for this sweet and sugary drink with multiple layers of stainless steel and leather.
Why settle for a furtive sip of hooch from a discreet flask when you can whip up a delicious cocktail with class and style? Enter the Mixology & Craft Bar Set, a stylish bartending kit that will have you hammering potent drinks like Ernest Shackleton in no time. Best of all, this bar kit is completely mobile and road-ready: for what you’d spend on a nice bottle of single malt, you can equip yourself to be a bartender without borders.
You want your friends and Santa to know you’re not a punk civilian, even though you got out after an enlistment seventeen years ago, and this tactical stocking shows everyone who they’re dealing with . It comes with MOLLE straps, extra strong tactical zippers, hook and loop Velcro closures and a big beige plastic clip! Not just sunbathing… Coyote Tan!
If your daily transport gear doesn’t include some sort of handy pocket knife for utility and self-defense, you’re doing something wrong – and this especially applies during vacations, when the buying process and of gift giving turns into absolute anarchy. at the local Wal-Mart. Cut the boxes! Cut the wrapping paper! Threaten other buyers! For the purposes of this list, we’ll use one of the best pocket knives of the year and suggest the Benchmade Bugout – you know, just in case.
Finally, a survival kit designed to almost certainly guarantee that you die alone in the wild somewhere. Tactical pen? To verify. Tactical spork? Multifunctional “snowflake” tool? To verify. The overwhelming feeling that you are compensating for something? Check check check. Look, there are plenty of decent survival kits out there, so don’t just go for something screaming over the top. Otherwise, you might end up somewhere in a uplifting story on a SERE school PowerPoint.
The Casio G-Shock is the workhorse of modern tactical watches. Simple, practical and ubiquitous, it continues to turn in a sandstorm or after wading in mud or water, all qualities that make it an essential accessory for the modern fighter alongside the M4 rifle and belt reflective. Just try to hold onto it long enough when negotiating with the locals as part of your mission to liberate your local unholy stronghold on the coast.
As any veteran of Afghanistan or Iraq will tell you, an active war zone is no excuse not to shit in the right way. Luckily, Squatty Potty’s handy ottoman is perfect for helping you start your own stool from the ill-designed comfort of your porcelain throne.
Yes, it’s a summer buy, but you know the real Christmas war is fought year round, in the hearts and minds of children around the world. You might as well pack some heavy armor if you plan to get dirty on the next big front: summer vacation.
Task & Purpose and its partners can earn a commission if you purchase a product through one of our links. Learn more about our product review process.